Conditions

If you do want to work with me there are some rules

The project will be a dynamic one and has momentum (to ensure it lands sometime before I die) and has been cleared with the relevant authorities (your committee, your community, your boss, your partner, your wife or your husband, basically whoever is really in charge). It has a defined start and end (unless you just want to pay me to sit around and do nothing, which is fine too).

Talk to me

Project communications are dynamic or I might just forget that you exist (or worse think you have died.) Pick up the phone and explain why you don’t have the time (to detail your requirements or reply to my requests for further information). Granted that time is a scarce commodity for me too, but one of my many weaknesses is that I have no telepathic skills.

Full payment or a clear regular payment plan

I need the money today, not in several months time. If I have invoiced you or you asked me to invoice you, pay it is that simple. Some may think that because I live in an impressive looking house, with a plaque outside that I have no need for money. You need to know I am still paying for it (the house not the plaque) and it is bloody expensive to look after national treasures, which the state imposes severe restrictions on but provides zero subsidy. There are no grants for B-listers and even when the grants pop up – they go with the house and must be repaid if you move. This favours only the (very) rich.

Charles Booth poverty map is an interesting footnote in this regard, because it says a lot about the social and economic history and the juxtaposition of the relatively wealthy and the destitute and poor. Even fine streets became poor streets within a generation. I currently live in a fine house, on a shabby street which has seen better days. And if history repeats itself, I could easily become destitute and end up the modern equivalent of debtor’s prison because you didn’t pay me on time … the previous owners lost the home to the bank in the 90s.

Your time and commitment and a start and end date

Many projects seem to be terribly urgent, should have been completed yesterday, bla bla, but suddenly the project stalls because you’ve neglected to tell me that you have booked a long overdue sabbatical and there is no internet in your mountain bothy … that you didn’t explain that all decisions are made by committee (which meets only intermittently as they have no accountability to anyone) or that you were just playing with me to put in a quote alongside 43 others … or that you weren’t sure how much to budget (because you could not be arsed to do your homework that you are paid to do) … whatever

IT IS WORTH BEING UPFRONT THAT MANY PROJECTS FALTER BECAUSE

THE COMMISSIONER DOESN’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME OR SOMETHING ELSE

Make time, engage and your project will land safely and to budget.

OR A CLUE

Find out about stuff (but please don’t ask a lawyer) or simply ask me & please take my word for it … Yes, there are lots of experts out there who will give you an opinion for free. But beware that some advice comes with a health warning – be prejudiced against certain solutions (like opensource); irrelevant (they apply to corporate situations where the risks are monumental); are disproportionate (again might apply to multimillion pound projects); competitor envy.

HAS UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS

I suffer from this, expect everyone else to be perfect, reliable and on time, and perfectly pleasant to me at all times, even when I am being unreasonable

A RISIBLY SMALL BUDGET

I understand this too (I live on a shoe string), so …

[risibly small budgets explained - £5k or less]

generally mean that you get what you are given

a boiler plate solution

HOPE YOU APPRECIATE THE PLAIN PRINT … one more thing

If I give you a proposal with an exit clause, you can exit at any contractual break point, e.g. we jointly conclude the project is not feasible. I like to think that uncertainty in project development is a constant and that for larger projects there should be enough wriggle room for the commissioner to hit the pause button and re-orientate. However if your project is small, please don’t assume there is no end to this piece of string.

AND IF YOU COMMIT TO A PROJECT VERBALLY, however small, AND I START IT (PERHAPS EVEN FINISHED IT BECAUSE YOU TOOK YOU SO DAMN LONG TO DECIDE), THEN I EXPECT YOU TO HONOUR YOUR WORD ...